A TROUBLED LIFE – #1 COMPLEX PTSD

I, Louise Fowler, have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD I have lived with this for most of my life – long before I even had the words or was diagnosed

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Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of: domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

“Many traumatic events (e.g., car accidents, natural disasters, etc.) are of time-limited duration. However, in some cases people experience chronic trauma that continues or repeats for months or years at a time. The current PTSD diagnosis often does not fully capture the severe psychological harm that occurs with prolonged, repeated trauma. People who experience chronic trauma often report additional symptoms alongside formal PTSD symptoms, such as changes in their self-concept and the way they adapt to stressful events.

An individual who experienced a prolonged period (months to years) of chronic victimization and total control by another may also experience the following difficulties:

  • Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.
  • Consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one’s mental processes or body (dissociation).
  • Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
  • Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
  • Relations with Others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.
  • One’s System of Meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Chronic trauma survivors may experience any of the following difficulties:Survivors may avoid thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming.Survivors who have been abused repeatedly are sometimes mistaken as having a “weak character” or are unjustly blamed for the symptoms they experience as a result of victimization.

    • Survivors who have been abused repeatedly are sometimes mistaken as having a “weak character” or are unjustly blamed for the symptoms they experience as a result of victimization.
    • Survivors may avoid thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming.”

QUOTE FROM: National Centre for PTSD

When you are subjected to repeated abuse, as said in the video, it is hard to leave and go out on the streets, But that is exactly what I did. Then faced more abuse.

SUMMARY:

Had experiences out of the range of normal – experienced rape, incest, physical/sexual/psychological abuse, betrayal, abandonment at age 13 (lived on the streets after arriving in Canada 1 ½ years later) blame, shame, humiliation and embarrassment.

I live in survival mode and hypervigilance 24/7

Extreme emotional and persistent and overwhelming pain

Wish to die – ALL THE TIME. I suspect I will eventually starve myself to death as my mother did. I would preferer assisted death but I know that won’t happen and I do not want to commit a violent act upon myself at the end of my life. I know that depriving myself of food water and medication is my legal right and I cannot, therefore, be assigned “suicide” on my death certificate. Important to me for I wish the recipient of my estate to receive my life insurance.

Addiction to sleeping pills because I have had sleeping problems ALL my life. Also have been addicted to marijuana

Dyslexia, I believe brought on by trauma. Brought huge embarrassment into my life and difficulty with work because I had to wing it and pretend all the time. Most of my life I was very good at it. But too tired and old now.

Isolation and withdrawal – cutting off from family and friends. Family were my abusers and family interfered with my friends therefore I cut myself off from them too. My father and brother were/are sociopaths and mother saw nothing, heard nothing and spoke nothing – leaving me to my own devices.

Disassociation.

Felling helpless and hopeless to change things. I am 67 now and it is just not possible to make myself better when it has taken a life time to come to terms with what has happened to me.

Trust issues and feel like I won’t get heard, understood and the help I need (never have) and it too late now

Hate crowds and noise.

Hide under my blanket and sleep even when extremely hot, always have. Prefers to be alone particularly when stressed

Proud of ability to hide my feelings and anger. Proud of self-reliance.

PHSICAL SYMPTOMS: Acute dizziness and vertigo, shaking, hot/cold flashes, numbness and tingling, nausea, huge sleeping problems (had as far back as I can remember) chronically fatigued

ALL of the above have gotten worse as the years have gone by. When I was younger and physically strong and healthy I could push and power my way through things, can’t anymore.