“If truth is what you seek, then the examined life will only take you on a long ride to the limits of solitude and leave you by the side of the road with your truth and nothing else.” – Thomas Liggoti
“A philosopher is a lover of wisdom. It takes tremendous discipline, it takes tremendous courage to think for yourself, to examine yourself. The Socratic imperative of examining yourself requires courage. You know, William Butler Yeats used to say “it takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on the battlefield.” Courage to think critically” – Cornel West
“I can tell you, an examined life is definitely no picnic, however, I don’t know how one gets through life without close inspection” – Louise Fowler
During the many months that I have read my fellow bloggers posts I “listened”. Under these circumstances maybe “observed”, “read”, “understood” would be better words I don’t know. But “listen” seems to work for me. During this time I chose not to leave my imprint. I preferred to stay still and learn from you, my fellow bloggers.
I am not the kind of person who needs to be the centre of attention all the time, in fact being the “observer” is more to my liking. Through observation the healing started.
In some ways my mind is spinning. All my life I thought what happened to me was “all my fault”. Every decision and choice was made on a lie.
I started this blog 1 1/2 years ago, sometimes disappearing for a long time and rarely posting. Those of you who have been my followers have probably thought, I was not reading your posts, nothing could be further from the truth. I just thought it was better for me to hide. I have rarely posted a comment or a like because I felt ashamed of myself. But, I have read my fellow bloggers and how brave they are for speaking their hearts about the abuse they had endured. I have been learning.
I felt everyone was thinking I was making things up vis-à-vis the HOUSTON v. HOUSTON case. I new I wasn’t but it sounds ludicrous to me. I also just didn’t understand myself why the HOUSTON CLAN (my mother’s step children) had attacked me the way they did. I didn’t understand why they saw me the way they did. They didn’t know me. In the over 34+ years of our parents marriage we had barely and rarely spoken.
As the case of HOUSTON v. HOUSTON unfolded, in real time, I was in shock. They are saying they have to destroy my mother and me, why? I didn’t get it then and I really don’t get it now, on some level.
I have evolved to conclude, in part anyway, that I reentered my mother’s life in 2005 and without my knowledge I battered the beehive. Her step-children, the HOUSTON CLAN, had already established an agenda for my mother’s money. My stepping onto the scene scared them and they immediately went on the attack.
What I evolved to understand from 2005 until my mother killed herself in 2013 was that during my absence from her life for off and on 20 years she had fabricated a defense for herself because she could not cope with her closing her eyes and not protecting me; along with her deserting me. She admitted this right at the end, just before she died.
I have felt all my life that she deserted me, I was molested and abuse,d left home to protect myself and landing in a dangerous and cruel world must therefore be my fault.
Reading so many other peoples posts on abuse, trauma, and the people who do these things has awakened me to a shocking realization – NO IT WAS NOT ALL MY FAULT.
It makes it sound simple. Of course it’s not – it’s not my fault. Oh!, what do I do with that? You mean to say now I am so f….stupid that I have taken all that on…….everyone went on with their lives and I was paralyzed………oh……..how did that happen?
I understand now. Is it better to now be awake? The truth is always better.
Who controls your narrative?
Mine has been controlled by others, I am taking my power back. One could rightfully argue that “exposing” oneself, like I am is folly. But, when your narrative has been controlled by others and exposed by people who have things to hide leaves one no choice. Except of course to remain a victim.
GASLIGHTING is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist(s) are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.. Narcissistic Behavior
I realize that many people see me as being a person in control. That has not always been true. In fact a good deal of the time it was just “bluff”. When you are 13 years old and alone, on the streets, betrayed, deserted, abused (physically and mentally) and molested you have two choices, succumb to the pressures and pain of the life you are expected to survive or you dig down deep and find ways and means to survive the life you have been dealt.
This didn’t happen over night, in fact it has taken decades to come to terms with “what has happened to Louise”. Over my life time I have heard it said many times, “what is the matter with Louise?” Said by the perpetrators. Now it is my turn. Louise is fighting back. Hence MY NARRATIVE called “MY EXAMINED LIFE”.
When people want to hide who they are they look for the most vulnerable to hide behind. That person was me.
When people have an agenda of greed to line their own pockets they look to shift the blame, that person was me.
My mother came from a very long line of aristocrats. Why do I care? Well the internet is filled with the names and history of this line of English nobles. My mother’s name is on it and so will mine, sooner or later. I will not allow the narrative of people who had an agenda of greed to rewrite my narrative to suit them. I will not allow this distorted, untrue and evil version to follow me into infinity.
The pendulum must swing from one extreme to another to find the happy medium. The place where life works for you. I have seen both ends now I am getting a sense where the “sweet spot” is.
I know what is happening to me right now is the pendulum swinging. I am going from hitting the ground wanting desperately to leave this world. Now I am looking forward to a new life. It’s not that simple.
That’s not what is really going on. In order to get the job done and get me into a healthier place I need to get out of my emotions and let my brain do some work. Logic is where I need to go right now. It is what will get the “reboot” of my life on tract. If I continue to let my emotions do all the work, well, nothing will get done. In fact it will run me further into the ground.
I am a little street urchin in some ways, the instinct is sharp as a tack, coupled with logic, it’s what has kept me alive before, it will rise me up again. Nothing wrong with emotions, I have them in abundance but sometimes they can trip you up. The thing about your instincts they will help you find that “sweet spot”.
I have chronic PTSD, that is not going to magically go away, so I am not going to even try. But what I will do is acknowledge it and make different choices. I am looking for some peace and to be healthier in every way.
We are always looking for the cure. There isn’t any cure for the sadness I feel. You can’t get yourself unraped, you can’t pretend that abuse didn’t happen to you, you can’t pretend you were not the “forgotten child”, but I think you can “accept”. That is what I will do.