I am in the beginning stages of looking for funding, script writers and contacts with the intent of having a movie made of my life story
More to come……..
Transforming
“YOUR LIFE IS WRITTEN IN INDELIBLE INK There’s no going back to erase the past, tweak your mistakes, or fill in missed opportunities. When the moment’s over, your fate is sealed.
But if you look closer, you notice the ink never really dries on any our experiences. They can change their meaning the longer you look at them.
Klexos.
There are ways of thinking about the past that aren’t just nostalgia or regret. A kind of questioning that enriches an experience after the fact. To dwell on the past is to allow fresh context to trickle in over the years, and fill out the picture; to keep the memory alive, and not just as a caricature of itself. So you can look fairly at a painful experience, and call it by its name.
Time is the most powerful force in the universe. It can turn a giant into someone utterly human, just trying to make their way through. Or tell you how you really felt about someone, even if you couldn’t at the time. It can put your childhood dreams in context with adult burdens or turn a universal consensus into an embarrassing fad. It can expose cracks in a relationship that once seemed perfect. Or keep a friendship going by thoughts alone, even if you’ll never see them again. It can flip your greatest shame into the source of your greatest power, or turn a jolt of pride into something petty, done for the wrong reasons, or make what felt like the end of the world look like a natural part of life.
The past is still mostly a blank page, so we may be doomed to repeat it. But it’s still worth looking into if it brings you closer to the truth.
Maybe it’s not so bad to dwell in the past, and muddle in the memories, to stem the simplification of time, and put some craft back into it. Maybe we should think of memory itself as an art form, in which the real work begins as soon as the paint hits the canvas. And remember that a work of art is never finished, only abandoned.”
― The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
1) Gossip Be more mindful. I do not consider myself a seeker or speaker of gossip as a characteristic of mine. But then again I think we all find ways of justifying our talk about others. My New Years Resolution is to be more mindful and alert to what comes out of my mouth and who may be paying the price for my words.- That doesn’t include politicians or cases of SELF-DEFENSE ie HOUSTON versus HOUSTON.
2) Take one day at a time – Pace myself, deal with what is in front of me now, don’t miss the moment it’s less overwhelming and more manageable.
3) Do one good deed a day, and not tell anyone about it
I actually have been doing this for quite a long time but I want to do more. And I don’t have a habit of telling people either. But there is always room for improvement.
I have been told many times “just get over it”, stop living in the past. When I saw this it validated me. It gave me the words to explain how I feel about doing this blog and talking about my past and what I am trying to accomplish
Time doesn’t heal. If we do the work understanding may come. Forgiveness may come. And if you are really fortunate some peace will come. I am working on it. How can you get on with it?, something I have heard so often, because it is part of you. It is what has shaped you. It has become you. It changes you. I know I am not the person I was meant to be. I was a quiet gentle and thoughtful little girl but circumstances dictated that was going to get me dead.
To live with pain we must find a place inside our heads where we go. I call mine “My Secret Garden”. Flowers and trees and babbling brooks. There was one I used to go to not unlike this picture where there was a rock, just made for my butt, where I would sit under the falling water. Moments of peace. Maybe that is what it’s about. Moments!
GARDEN METAPHOR
“The garden is one of the two great metaphors for humanity.
The garden is about life and beauty and the impermanence of all living things.
The garden is about feeding your children, providing food for the tribe.
It’s part of an urgent territorial drive that we can probably trace back to animals storing food.
It’s a competitive display mechanism, like having a prize bull, this greed for the best tomatoes and English tea roses.
It’s about winning; about providing society with superior things; and about proving that you have taste, and good values, and you work hard.
And what a wonderful relief, every so often, to know who the enemy is.
Because in the garden, the enemy is everything: the aphids, the weather, time.
And so you pour yourself into it, care so much, and see up close so much birth, and growth, and beauty, and danger, and triumph.
And then everything dies anyway, right?
But you just keep doing it.”
Taken from the tv show “ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK”
A garden is where I have gone to hide, it has been a healing place for me to gather myself and start anew.
“If truth is what you seek, then the examined life will only take you on a long ride to the limits of solitude and leave you by the side of the road with your truth and nothing else.” – Thomas Liggoti
“A philosopher is a lover of wisdom. It takes tremendous discipline, it takes tremendous courage to think for yourself, to examine yourself. The Socratic imperative of examining yourself requires courage. You know, William Butler Yeats used to say “it takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on the battlefield.” Courage to think critically” – Cornel West
“I can tell you, an examined life is definitely no picnic, however, I don’t know how one gets through life without close inspection” – Louise Fowler
During the many months that I have read my fellow bloggers posts I “listened”. Under these circumstances maybe “observed”, “read”, “understood” would be better words I don’t know. But “listen” seems to work for me. During this time I chose not to leave my imprint. I preferred to stay still and learn from you, my fellow bloggers.
I am not the kind of person who needs to be the centre of attention all the time, in fact being the “observer” is more to my liking. Through observation the healing started.
Thank you.
In some ways my mind is spinning. All my life I thought what happened to me was “all my fault”. Every decision and choice was made on a lie.
I started this blog 1 1/2 years ago, sometimes disappearing for a long time and rarely posting. Those of you who have been my followers have probably thought, I was not reading your posts, nothing could be further from the truth. I just thought it was better for me to hide. I have rarely posted a comment or a like because I felt ashamed of myself. But, I have read my fellow bloggers and how brave they are for speaking their hearts about the abuse they had endured. I have been learning.
I felt everyone was thinking I was making things up vis-à-vis the HOUSTON v. HOUSTON case. I new I wasn’t but it sounds ludicrous to me. I also just didn’t understand myself why the HOUSTON CLAN (my mother’s step children) had attacked me the way they did. I didn’t understand why they saw me the way they did. They didn’t know me. In the over 34+ years of our parents marriage we had barely and rarely spoken.
As the case of HOUSTON v. HOUSTON unfolded, in real time, I was in shock. They are saying they have to destroy my mother and me, why? I didn’t get it then and I really don’t get it now, on some level.
I have evolved to conclude, in part anyway, that I reentered my mother’s life in 2005 and without my knowledge I battered the beehive. Her step-children, the HOUSTON CLAN, had already established an agenda for my mother’s money. My stepping onto the scene scared them and they immediately went on the attack.
What I evolved to understand from 2005 until my mother killed herself in 2013 was that during my absence from her life for off and on 20 years she had fabricated a defense for herself because she could not cope with her closing her eyes and not protecting me; along with her deserting me. She admitted this right at the end, just before she died.
I have felt all my life that she deserted me, I was molested and abuse,d left home to protect myself and landing in a dangerous and cruel world must therefore be my fault.
Reading so many other peoples posts on abuse, trauma, and the people who do these things has awakened me to a shocking realization – NO IT WAS NOT ALL MY FAULT.
It makes it sound simple. Of course it’s not – it’s not my fault. Oh!, what do I do with that? You mean to say now I am so f….stupid that I have taken all that on…….everyone went on with their lives and I was paralyzed………oh……..how did that happen?
I understand now. Is it better to now be awake? The truth is always better.
Who controls your narrative?
Mine has been controlled by others, I am taking my power back. One could rightfully argue that “exposing” oneself, like I am is folly. But, when your narrative has been controlled by others and exposed by people who have things to hide leaves one no choice. Except of course to remain a victim.
GASLIGHTING is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist(s) are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.. Narcissistic Behavior
I realize that many people see me as being a person in control. That has not always been true. In fact a good deal of the time it was just “bluff”. When you are 13 years old and alone, on the streets, betrayed, deserted, abused (physically and mentally) and molested you have two choices, succumb to the pressures and pain of the life you are expected to survive or you dig down deep and find ways and means to survive the life you have been dealt.
This didn’t happen over night, in fact it has taken decades to come to terms with “what has happened to Louise”. Over my life time I have heard it said many times, “what is the matter with Louise?” Said by the perpetrators. Now it is my turn. Louise is fighting back. Hence MY NARRATIVE called “MY EXAMINED LIFE”.
When people want to hide who they are they look for the most vulnerable to hide behind. That person was me.
When people have an agenda of greed to line their own pockets they look to shift the blame, that person was me.
My mother came from a very long line of aristocrats. Why do I care? Well the internet is filled with the names and history of this line of English nobles. My mother’s name is on it and so will mine, sooner or later. I will not allow the narrative of people who had an agenda of greed to rewrite my narrative to suit them. I will not allow this distorted, untrue and evil version to follow me into infinity.
The pendulum must swing from one extreme to another to find the happy medium. The place where life works for you. I have seen both ends now I am getting a sense where the “sweet spot” is.
I know what is happening to me right now is the pendulum swinging. I am going from hitting the ground wanting desperately to leave this world. Now I am looking forward to a new life. It’s not that simple.
That’s not what is really going on. In order to get the job done and get me into a healthier place I need to get out of my emotions and let my brain do some work. Logic is where I need to go right now. It is what will get the “reboot” of my life on tract. If I continue to let my emotions do all the work, well, nothing will get done. In fact it will run me further into the ground.
I am a little street urchin in some ways, the instinct is sharp as a tack, coupled with logic, it’s what has kept me alive before, it will rise me up again. Nothing wrong with emotions, I have them in abundance but sometimes they can trip you up. The thing about your instincts they will help you find that “sweet spot”.
I have chronic PTSD, that is not going to magically go away, so I am not going to even try. But what I will do is acknowledge it and make different choices. I am looking for some peace and to be healthier in every way.
We are always looking for the cure. There isn’t any cure for the sadness I feel. You can’t get yourself unraped, you can’t pretend that abuse didn’t happen to you, you can’t pretend you were not the “forgotten child”, but I think you can “accept”. That is what I will do.
How fitting that my birthday is on May 21st, the cusp between Taurus and Gemini. All my life I have thought of myself as being the Taurus. Most everyone I have know has thought of me as a Gemini. Maybe it’s time for me to be a Gemini.
It feels like stepping across a log and gingerly moving closer and closer to get to the other side. I am, right now, about two steps in with several to go before I am on terra firma. Will I make it? Or, will I fall and splash into the cold and fast running water? I am shaking and nervous, albeit I know I am strong. I am a very strong person. The other side represents a new life for me.
Where I am now, and have been, has not been a healthy place. I will not continue doing the same thing over and over again.
I am in probably, if all goes well, the last 3rd of my life. I want to be happy. I also know no one is going to come along and save me. There is even a limit to what anyone can do for another. You have to do it yourself.
I applaud people who go into a “crisis of the soul” like I have with lots of loving family around to support them. I don’t have that and never did – ever.
When I think of how many friends/lovers I have had in my life who have been stellar beyond belief. Who have offered everything in their power to help. I don’t want to feel guilty about that anymore. I love them and thank them because if it wasn’t for the kindness of people along my journey who knows what would have happened to me.
It has been the love and support of kind people that I am here in this moment walking to a new faze and time.
I am declaring the beginning is here, I will start my life anew. I will likely stumble and fall. I will still look back because to not do that is to deny myself the truth of who I have been while I feel this moment in it’s fullness.
One moment, one day, one choice, one decision….. changing ones life in every way. A decision that affects every part of ones life forever……..
one could argue………
the alternative could send the dominoes down, just in a different direction,
one could argue……..
sometimes life doesn’t offer you answers as to the why’s.
This video is about a person forced into solitude and finds personal freedom.
There are many layers to solitude and it runs on a continuum, like everything. What level of solitude, and whether it is forced or self imposed, makes a big difference. Solitude can teach you so much. I have experienced this most of my life, on one level or another. First it was imposed on me, then I embraced it, now I crave it and need it.
I have been asked “how come you seem so smart for someone who did’t get much education” (I didn’t even get high school) Well, I did – the streets and solitude. I am also very good at pretending, not saying too much and saying enough to elicit trust.
Solitude meant, in large part, survival. You don’t have to worry about anyone else. You don’t have to worry if you are being lied to, you become stronger and more self-reliant. I know what my strengths are and what my weaknesses are and how to compensate. I got pretty good at that.
The down side is people misunderstand and misread you. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not so much. It’s not so surprising that people would misread me if I am being really frank. You know if a wolf is injured or vulnerable it will not show it and will power through it until they drop. Showing vulnerability of course is not a good idea when in survival mode.
Problem for me is I have spent most of my life, 24/7, in survival mode. That is PTSD. And I am tired. Also, I am used to it. I would have to really trust you to let you see the real me.
Well, that’s kinda getting blown out the window with this internet blogging. I can’t complain I made a conscious and willful choice. It’s what I call “self defense”.
We will see. I am still trying to figure it out.
This is what I am doing and will put some focus on this issue over time as I come to understand how to do this. It is uncomfortable, Detoxing your mind and body is removing everything in your life that doesn’t serve you.. I have tried this before to quit because it was quite frankly hard. I don’t know that it should be after all if my house gets messy and dirty, I clean it. Actually I am clean and tidy so I work it as I go along. That is how I want the rest of my life to be. If you left your house and it got out of control it would take time and effort to put it all in order.
I have been working on acknowledging my past and putting that into clarity and perspective so I am not further bogged down with stuff I can no longer changer. Having said that I believe that you can’t make changes if you don’t know what you are changing.
Taking a look at the lessons you have learnt from your past is far more constructive i feel and it helps you build a future on something constructive. I have learnt forgiveness and gratitude. These are my building blocks to a revitalized me in the months and years to come.
Stay tuned………
