The 3 things that parents need to provide for a healthy family is NURTURING, GUIDANCE and PROVISION (protection). If you have parents that cannot provide these things we have what is called a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. 

I came from a dysfunctional family. I was not provided any of the above. My father, “Bill” W. A. Fowler, was a narcissist. An aggressive pompous man who was one minute the “nice guy” the next minute the “angry, mean and sick” man who had no idea how to be a father or husband. He cheated on my mother many times. My mother, Angela, hid in her bed a good deal of the time and cried because she had no clue how to deal with this and didn’t. Her helplessness around my father and her sociopathic son was dumped in my lap. My brother, the sociopath (in my opinion) was distant, uninvolved and uncaring. I, Louise, the youngest was the scapegoat and lost child. My mother not knowing how to be a mother herself reversed the role and I became mother to her. When I was living at home and long long after I left she burdened me with her pain and confusion around my father’s behavior and the inability of my mother and brother to bond. We didn’t have the words in those days to explain what was happening to us and people didn’t speak about these things. But my mother had to off-load her grief and pain somewhere and I was it.

I hardly remember any time I was with my mother where she was not crying about my father and my brother. It didn’t occur to her that I had any issues or pain as a result of my father’s and brother’s behavior towards me. She said many times that she had no idea what my father was doing to me or my brother. She was so absorbed in her own pain I felt forgotten. When I tried to tell her what was happening to me she seemed to shut it down and not hear me. Many years later to said she didn’t know.

I have read that there tends to be 4 roles children play in a family dynamic. HERO the one who strives to do everything right to compensate.No one in my family like that. The CLOWN is the one who makes a joke out of everything to cover up the pain in the family. No one in my family like that. Then there is the SCAPEGOAT who gets blamed for everything and picked on to cover up the dysfunction of the rest of the family. And lastly, the LOST CHILD who is invisible, the throw away child.

I believe I was two of them THE SCAPEGOAT AND THE LOST CHILD. And what role did my brother plan – The SOCIOPATH. I don’t know what else he was or is.

This dynamic has played out all my life with my family and then moved on to the extended family. Of course this is not surprising in that my mother, not being able to look at or accept the truth, passed on “her” desire to cover up her inability to be a mother to her new family.She betrayed me, once again.Perpetuating old roles, making me the SCAPEGOAT once again, n the eyes of the HOUSTON CLAN.

Well, the HOUSTON CLAN, the doctor, the cop, the nurse and the contractor bought it hook like and sinker  You would think a doctor and a cop who works in “DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” would know better. They do know better, but they are not nice people. They used me to gain access to my mother’s money. Once again I was the SCAPEGOAT.

If a person(s) is capable of doing what the HOUSTON CLAN did to my mother, her husband and myself what else are they capable of?

I, and probably everyone, expect that a doctor, a cop, a nurse and a contractor, to tell the truth. Not telling the truth can cost someone their life, their well-being, rob them of their future, destroy their financial security, traumatize and break a person down. We also expect them to present evidence of what they have to say. Just image going to your doctor (who specialized in the care of the elderly) or local cop (who works in “domestic violence”) and having them access an issue and make their diagnosis and decisions without finding out the facts first. That is pretty scary to me. Look how Donald Trump behaves. Throwing out judgments and opinions without full knowledge of what he is talking about. This is what the HOUSTON CLAN did.

This is what the HOUSTON CLAN did, yes they did. They destroyed 3 lives by using their positions and voice to say whatever they wanted, with absolutely no evidence, and got away with it. This is what I call ABUSE OF POWER. Watch out folks these people walk amongst us.

Please read the pages UP-TOP. This is where I will present my evidence. It is ever expanding so it will be necessary to come back. I will prove what pieces of shit they really are. I will prove how vicious and greedy they are.

I keep on saying to myself, “just get over it, let it go”. Let go of what exactly?  A life-time of trauma. Wow, I wish I could – believe me. I have spent enough time out of my life just trying to figure that one out. You just, well let it go, forget about it. I have spent parts of my life in trauma, then getting up, a few hours and few days and weeks overwhelmed with trauma. Then getting up again. Sometimes even years out of my life dealing with so much trauma upon trauma and getting up over and over and over.Why would anyone think I would like this.

I do have memories of real joy, love, fun and playfulness. It is in me. But those experiences are few and far between.

I do this blog because I have spent so much of my life trying to just “let it go”. And it is because I have not ultimately been able to do that I decided to let it all hang out. It’s there anyway. But mostly other peoples opinions and judgments. Not the truth, not my truth.

So when all stones are turned and all the i’s are dotted and everything has been said, examined and felt in the moment will I, perhaps, be able to LET IT GO.

I know how many people would like me to SHUT UP. I know how many people are very pissed off with me. Well, it’s too bad.

I am at a place in my life where I feel I have nothing left to lose.

I know that there are people out there that are saying, “stop whining and playing the victim”. Well, I am going whine and play the victim because I have been.

I was the victim of abuse, molestation, the use of a child for the purposes of gaining satisfaction of others, I have been lied about, used and shit on. So excuse me but I have been a victim. The HOUSTON CLAN used me to meet their greedy ends. They didn’t mind humiliating and degrading me so why should I mind SPEAKING UP. You can call it whatever you want.

I have so let go of pretending to protect others. I have done that for decades. I will NOT do that anymore. You abuse me I will SPEAK UP>

The problem with putting on a mask for the world, hiding who we are, we also hide from ourselves. We become that mask and we don’t see or know the self for who we really are anymore. Not until the lie has destroyed us and we are on our knees. Like I am and have nothing left to lose.

Our masks can be so convincing to others that we believe the lie. The cop in the HOUSTON CLAN  works in “domestic violence”. Domestic violence has many masks. What I say about that is “he doesn’t have to look too far”. My mother felt abused by the HOUSTON CLAN. She even said that in documents presented to the courts. ( PLEASE SEE PAGES UP-TOP AND DOCUMENT 2 A-D), written by my mother Angela Houston. But she wasn’t believed. Their behavior towards her and me was acceptable to the courts. They were able to say whatever they wanted, with no evidence, and got away with it. That’s how good their masks are. Of course most of us would not be able to get away with it as well as the HOUSTON CLAN, you have to have money, gravitas and the heart (or lack thereof) to exert certain brands of abuse and get away with it. Oh, yes I experienced “domestic violent” too. Talk to me about it wont you.

I think that we gravitate towards certain work in life to learn what we need to learn not hide who we are. A certain job title automatically seems to give us a pass, like doctors or cops. But if you are a nobody, like I have been, rejected by family and extended family so they could protect their masks. Some of us though have to use certain masks to help us from drowning in despair because we feel so shamed.  When family and extended family have humiliated and degraded you it is your mask that gives you the strength to put you head up high and pretend it doesn’t affect you. Until you get older and you can no longer keep that mask on, but you now completely hide. You don’t go outside without your sunglasses on and your hat because you don’t want anyone to see you (nevermind the mask) and what a hopeless disgrace your really are to the world

When you have a mask that enables you to move in the world getting the respect you don’t deserve it reinforces to everyone we are not okay the way we are.  When we believe that we must wear that cop or doctor mask we believe that it is good and the cop who works for “family abuse” knows what family abuse is all about.

I ask this cop, “where you abused? Do you know what abuse really is or are you sitting in judgement? Do you know that abuse starts and ends with you? Why would you sit back and watch it happen and not do anything about it, actually participate and facilitate?

I want to die without my mask on. I want to die without someone else’s version of what my mask has meant. The thing that I used to protect myself. The thing that everyone wanted to strip away and place their meaning to who I am. Telling my narrative in a court of law, and interpreting it without knowing what you are talking about is ABUSE, did you know that?  .

I know that many people feel I should just get over this. I think many people feel it’s just a matter of letting it go and moving on.

Complex PTSD is not that simple to just get over and move on. Because I had come to some peace and acceptance over this issue of abuse I had moved on the best I could, before re-entering my mother’s life. Someone eases perception (THE HOUSTON CLAN’S) of my past was brought up by my mother’s step-children decades later about something they new nothing about. They presented their made up stories in court in order to get my mother’s money away from her. They succeeded in getting her money, drove her to kill herself and completely and totally eviscerated me in a court of law where I was not able to defend myself.

I write this blog to defend myself. I have come from a line of ‘HOODS’, my mother’s maiden name. There are websites on the internet about this line and my mothers name is on it. Mine will be one day and I want the record put straight. The HOUSTON’S CLAN’S version of something they new nothing about (because we had never ever had a conversation about it) is not acceptable to me.

This HOUSTON CLAN, my mother’s adult step-children, have said every vile thing about my mother and I you can possibly imagine in order to steal her money. It would not surprise me one bit if they accused me of being responsibility for her killing herself, that is the kind of people they are. They take no responsibility for their actions at all. They are arrogant and have a false sense of their importance.

This is what my mother’s doctor said after my mother killed herself: She and her office sent me a card of condolence and some flowers – Dear Louise, It was a privilege to get to know your mother and provide care for her at the end of her life. You were so brave and devoted – I will never forget it. Our thoughts are with you, Sincerely, Dr. Harvey.