I am in the beginning stages of looking for funding, script writers and contacts with the intent of having a movie made of my life story
More to come……..
Abuse
They had me pegged, my family and the HOUSTON CLAN before even getting to know me to justify what they intended to do so they didn’t have to look at themselves.
I have talked about them. But, now I will talk about me.
I never found a home and never found comfort in an identity that was not molded by perpetrators, the ones that did me harm and the ones that turned their backs on the “lost and forgotten child”. I have flipped through my life like the pages in a book, trying to make sense of it. To uncover the secrets that have gone buried in shame and hidden even from myself for so long. Asking myself over and over what does this all mean.
I know how my story ends but the question for me has been “how did it happen; how did I get here?” For so long I got immersed in the jumble of words like “Louise, what is the matter with you. don’t play victim, get on with it, leave the past behind you, you are too sensitive.”
What kind of story is mine – a lost and forgotten child, the one that everyone told me I was – lazy, stupid, a problem. Am I just a pathetic character who is just a victim to my own stupidity? Or is there something else going on here. I have flipped back and forth through time looking for the clues to why my journey took me down a certain path and shattered me into little pieces. A path of loneliness, loss, poverty and victimization. Oh, I know my pictures of me tell you a different story. But what you don’t see is the pain just beneath the surface. The part of me that hides and only shows it’s face when I can give you what you want to see, or the face I need you to see. The perfect picture, the one that I got so good at looking “right”. I hid the broken and sick me. You don’t want to see the pain that left me with scars from abuse, molestation, poverty and isolation. I fear now it’s too late for me, my life is over. There is no time left to repair the damage done.
No one asked me, “Louise what do you want to be when you grow-up”, no one directed me to become the best I could be. I never got my balance and only focused on my flaws which of course had me spinning in circles. The fire that barely flickered over the years is now dimming. I am who I am, for better or worse. It’s too late to wonder about the person I will become. I have told the world about who I am, but it doesn’t matter any more because everyone had already made up their minds. Their agenda was to discredit me, shut me up and close me down. GASLIGHTING was what it was. Protecting the agenda of those who needed to keep their squeaky-clean reputations, of being the do-gooders, the stellar members of society, the perpetrators/abusers behind the masks. They don’t want you speaking their dirty little secrets. You see the people who have hurt me know I saw through them, I know who they are. I have had too much experience with the likes of them to not see behind their masks and it scared them.
I became someone I didn’t know either to keep others happy and safe and when I couldn’t pretend I hid. Now and then I said, “Enough is Enough”, hence this blog because there is just so much a person can take. I would rock the boat from time to time and then slither back into silence which just fed into their ignorance of who I am, it gave them fuel to say, “look I told you so, she is an evil one”. They them scrambled to make sure no one believed me. Of course they had a platform, a voice to be heard and I did not. They won. I can’t. I’m done.
I have read so many peoples blogs over the last couple of years and know there are so many people like me. People who got used and abused and had no voice. The internet came along and gave us one. But oh there are so many mean ones out there too who would like to shut us down. Don’t show us who we are, don’t let the world see how mean we can be. We will take you, abuse you and shut you up and knock you down. Be quiet Louise, and all the Louise’s out there.
But, we wont. We write our blogs for us. We need a voice, we need to have our words heard and the rest of you can shut up or don’t read.
It’s too late for me. But I say to all the VICTIMS of the mean and abusive people keep talking.
What happens to a person when they are used to dehumanize them to further their own agenda? What happens when you use your money and power to eviscerate a person to further your position of dominance and to gain access to something that does not belong to you? What happens when people misuse their privilege in life to discredit someone because they are in the way of their greedy agenda? What happens to a person that is “shamed and humiliated” by their family and extended family? A family of privilege. A family that got everything they wanted in life, but it wasn’t enough. So they had to take the one person, the outsider, the poor and uneducated one, the one who was left behind because she could not serve them anymore, and break her down till there was almost nothing left. What happens to a person that has been molested by 3 family members, left to rot on the streets and out in a mean world at age 13 to fend for herself because of abuse and neglect in the home. But now has to endure the mean-spirited, ignorant and greedy conduct of a group of shallow minded privileged people. The one person that did not have the money or power to defend herself was the one they picked on and left for dead. The one person who has never ever done anything to them. Isn’t that odd.
You know what kind of people do things like this, a doctor – Dr. James Houston, and his silly wife Louise, a cop – Inspector Clark Russell, nurse – Shelaigh Russell, a contractor – Tony Houston, his crazy wife – Lorene (she belongs in a home somewhere something is wrong with her), Diana Shirling and George – too rich to work I think. And my direct family members Tony Fowler and Susan Stroud who both molested me. Philip King Jones who screwed around on his wife all their married life. All sitting in judgement of me. All seem to have something to say about me. The one person they had never really had a conversation with of any meaning substance and consequence. Not at any point – ever – have they showed one ounce of compassion and kindness to me. Maybe because you sensed I would lash back and you wanted to make sure I couldn’t. Well you were mistaken.
I will tell you what happens because I was the one that was attached by a family and extended family of ignorant, but well-educated and placed, people. People who used the excuse of someone else, Dr. Bob Houston, who was also vulnerable and unable to defend himself, to justify their ignorance and greed.Trying to turn this sweet old man against his beloved wife. When he wouldn’t what did they do – they lied.
This is what this blog is all about. It will tell you how people in high places will pull out all the stops to take away from a little old lady and her vulnerable daughter and stomp on them until the old lady is dead with their lies and accusations. Killing herself because of what they did to her and her daughter. It will tell you what these ignorant and shallow people did to me to make themselves feel better and line their full pockets with more money. Check out HOUSTON VERSUS HOUSTON (on-line) and the documents will show you exactly how much money they have.
HOUSTON CLAN do you feel good about yourselves? Can you live with yourselves?
I have shown everyone’s pictures down the side of this blog because they need to put their face to support their behavior. If they are proud of themselves they wont mind now will they. If you are too ashamed to have your face behind your actions you should have thought about that before.
I put my face on my site to make sure you all see who I am. I am not ashamed. I expose everything so you can know who I am. I am not the one who needs to feel shame.
yes, I know…..
WHAT DOES IT MEAN
Gaslighting is the attempt of one person to overwrite another person’s reality.
“Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. Gaslighting often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 British play “Gas Light” wherein a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her own perceptions and sanity. Gas Light was made into a movie both in 1940 and 1944.” from Healthy Place.
The amount of shaming and humiliation I have gone through in my life as a result of narcissists and other ignorant people blaming me for the crimes perpetrated on me is shocking. The piling up of abuse to shut the victim up is beyond my comprehension.
“Blame is a Defense Against Powerlessness
Betrayal trauma changes you. You have endured a life-altering shock, and are likely living with PTSD symptoms— hypervigilance, flashbacks and bewilderment—with broken trust, with the inability to cope with many situations, and with the complete shut down of parts of your mind, including your ability to focus and regulate your emotions.
Nevertheless, if you are unable to recognize the higher purpose in your pain, to forgive and forget and move on, you clearly have chosen to be addicted to your pain and must enjoy playing the victim.
And the worst is, we are only too ready to agree with this assessment! Trauma victims commonly blame themselves. Blaming oneself for the shame of being a victim is recognized by trauma specialists as a defense against the extreme powerlessness we feel in the wake of a traumatic event. Self-blame continues the illusion of control shock destroys, but prevents us from the necessary working through of the traumatic feelings and memories to heal and recover.”
― Sandra Lee Dennis
Are you being used as a flying monkey for a narcissist?
I know those “flying monkeys” now. I have lived so much of my life not understanding what was going on around me. Why am I being run down, abused, lied about, ignored, isolated, used as scapegoat to find out “all” the truth now in my middle age+ time of my life. I feel like my life has been wasted and used by these evil people, the narcissists of my family and extended family who elicited the support of the weak and vulnerable, like my mother, to bid their will. In the last 5 years of my mother’s life we figured it all out and it pissed of Dr. James and his little gang of “flying monkeys”.
“Attitude Is Everything
We live in a culture that is blind to betrayal and intolerant of emotional pain. In New Age crowds here on the West Coast, where your attitude is considered the sole determinant of the impact an event has on you, it gets even worse.In these New Thought circles, no matter what happens to you, it is assumed that you have created your own reality. Not only have you chosen the event, no matter how horrible, for your personal growth. You also chose how you interpret what happened—as if there are no interpersonal facts, only interpretations.
The upshot of this perspective is that your suffering would vanish if only you adopted a more evolved perspective and stopped feeling aggrieved. I was often kindly reminded (and believed it myself), “there are no victims.” How can you be a victim when you are responsible for your circumstances?
When you most need validation and support to get through the worst pain of your life, to be confronted with the well-meaning, but quasi-religious fervor of these insidious half-truths can be deeply demoralizing. This kind of advice feeds guilt and shame, inhibits grieving, encourages grandiosity and can drive you to be alone to shield your vulnerability.”
― Sandra Lee Dennis
I have had issues with my “immune system” for a lot of my life.Not surprising.
The 3 things that parents need to provide for a healthy family is NURTURING, GUIDANCE and PROVISION (protection). If you have parents that cannot provide these things we have what is called a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.
I came from a dysfunctional family. I was not provided any of the above. My father, “Bill” W. A. Fowler, was a narcissist. An aggressive pompous man who was one minute the “nice guy” the next minute the “angry, mean and sick” man who had no idea how to be a father or husband. He cheated on my mother many times. My mother, Angela, hid in her bed a good deal of the time and cried because she had no clue how to deal with this and didn’t. Her helplessness around my father and her sociopathic son was dumped in my lap. My brother, the sociopath (in my opinion) was distant, uninvolved and uncaring. I, Louise, the youngest was the scapegoat and lost child. My mother not knowing how to be a mother herself reversed the role and I became mother to her. When I was living at home and long long after I left she burdened me with her pain and confusion around my father’s behavior and the inability of my mother and brother to bond. We didn’t have the words in those days to explain what was happening to us and people didn’t speak about these things. But my mother had to off-load her grief and pain somewhere and I was it.
I hardly remember any time I was with my mother where she was not crying about my father and my brother. It didn’t occur to her that I had any issues or pain as a result of my father’s and brother’s behavior towards me. She said many times that she had no idea what my father was doing to me or my brother. She was so absorbed in her own pain I felt forgotten. When I tried to tell her what was happening to me she seemed to shut it down and not hear me. Many years later to said she didn’t know.
I have read that there tends to be 4 roles children play in a family dynamic. HERO the one who strives to do everything right to compensate.No one in my family like that. The CLOWN is the one who makes a joke out of everything to cover up the pain in the family. No one in my family like that. Then there is the SCAPEGOAT who gets blamed for everything and picked on to cover up the dysfunction of the rest of the family. And lastly, the LOST CHILD who is invisible, the throw away child.
I believe I was two of them THE SCAPEGOAT AND THE LOST CHILD. And what role did my brother plan – The SOCIOPATH. I don’t know what else he was or is.
This dynamic has played out all my life with my family and then moved on to the extended family. Of course this is not surprising in that my mother, not being able to look at or accept the truth, passed on “her” desire to cover up her inability to be a mother to her new family.She betrayed me, once again.Perpetuating old roles, making me the SCAPEGOAT once again, n the eyes of the HOUSTON CLAN.
Well, the HOUSTON CLAN, the doctor, the cop, the nurse and the contractor bought it hook like and sinker You would think a doctor and a cop who works in “DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” would know better. They do know better, but they are not nice people. They used me to gain access to my mother’s money. Once again I was the SCAPEGOAT.
I have been told many times “just get over it”, stop living in the past. When I saw this it validated me. It gave me the words to explain how I feel about doing this blog and talking about my past and what I am trying to accomplish
After I brought my mother over to Vancouver to live with me in 2011 this little old lady was in enormous stress and distress as a result of the HOUSTON CLANS evisceration of her and myself.This pain she was in was literally killing her, slowly. In fact 2 years later when she was 92 she did kill herself because she couldn’t take it any more.
From the time I arrived back in her life in 2005 I did everything in my power to love her, assist her and attempt to spare her as much pain as possible.
One day my mother’s lawyer, Jack Adelaar, phoned me and asked that I go over to his office and read through some documents sent over to him by the HOUSTON CLAN’S lawyer, Sarah Klinger. I said I would go over to his office with my mother. He said No he preferred not for he was concerned it would upset her too much. I so I arrived at his office alone albeit my mother was aware of what I was doing.
When I arrived Mr.Adelaar ushered me into a small office where there was a pile of these documents. He left me with them with a pad of paper to make any notes.
I started to read these documents such as affidavits etc. My name was on just about every single page. You see I was the scapegoat and fall guy to their greed. What I read was shocking to me, and would be to anyone. I read lie upon lie upon lie of the most vicious short. All my mother lawyers, seasoned experienced lawyers, said they had never seen such cruelty and viciousness in their careers.
Please remember that in the over 34 years of our parents marriage I had not had any real conversation with any of the HOUSTON CLAN, beyond pleasantries.
They said the most unimaginable, vicious, CRUEL things that were made up by very distorted and nasty greedy minds, the HOUSTON CLAN. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I do not have a propensity for tears and emotions. I have a tendency to keep it to myself. But I sat there and broke down and cried like I rarely have in my life. Mr. Adelaar came in and was completely unable to settle me. I had to leave. I went into a state of trauma that I have not pulled myself out of since.
But, I was full-time caregiver to this now very fragile and traumatized old lady, my mother. I had to keep myself together. I did until the day she died from killing herself where I collapsed, broke my foot as I imploded to the ground.
For the past 3 years since she died I believe I have been in a virtual coma. Of course it is trauma. This episode of trauma has almost taken me out and ultimately will.
If a person(s) is capable of doing what the HOUSTON CLAN did to my mother, her husband and myself what else are they capable of?
I, and probably everyone, expect that a doctor, a cop, a nurse and a contractor, to tell the truth. Not telling the truth can cost someone their life, their well-being, rob them of their future, destroy their financial security, traumatize and break a person down. We also expect them to present evidence of what they have to say. Just image going to your doctor (who specialized in the care of the elderly) or local cop (who works in “domestic violence”) and having them access an issue and make their diagnosis and decisions without finding out the facts first. That is pretty scary to me. Look how Donald Trump behaves. Throwing out judgments and opinions without full knowledge of what he is talking about. This is what the HOUSTON CLAN did.
This is what the HOUSTON CLAN did, yes they did. They destroyed 3 lives by using their positions and voice to say whatever they wanted, with absolutely no evidence, and got away with it. This is what I call ABUSE OF POWER. Watch out folks these people walk amongst us.
Please read the pages UP-TOP. This is where I will present my evidence. It is ever expanding so it will be necessary to come back. I will prove what pieces of shit they really are. I will prove how vicious and greedy they are.
I keep on saying to myself, “just get over it, let it go”. Let go of what exactly? A life-time of trauma. Wow, I wish I could – believe me. I have spent enough time out of my life just trying to figure that one out. You just, well let it go, forget about it. I have spent parts of my life in trauma, then getting up, a few hours and few days and weeks overwhelmed with trauma. Then getting up again. Sometimes even years out of my life dealing with so much trauma upon trauma and getting up over and over and over.Why would anyone think I would like this.
I do have memories of real joy, love, fun and playfulness. It is in me. But those experiences are few and far between.
I do this blog because I have spent so much of my life trying to just “let it go”. And it is because I have not ultimately been able to do that I decided to let it all hang out. It’s there anyway. But mostly other peoples opinions and judgments. Not the truth, not my truth.
So when all stones are turned and all the i’s are dotted and everything has been said, examined and felt in the moment will I, perhaps, be able to LET IT GO.
I know how many people would like me to SHUT UP. I know how many people are very pissed off with me. Well, it’s too bad.
This was part of my childhood. I understand this experience, these pictures show us.
This was when I started to experience trauma of a different sort, notched up a few levels – the streets.
Definition of Domestic Violence. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is defined as any use of physical or sexual force, actual or threatened, in an intimate relationship. It may include a single act of violence, or a number of acts forming a pattern of abuse through the use of assaultive and controlling behaviour.
The face of “domestic violence” About 10 years old. I look so happy and innocent.
Definition: The age of majority in Canada is the age at which a person is considered by law to be an adult. A person younger than the age of majority is considered a minor child.
In the modern world the age of majority ranges from age 14-21, most at the higher end. Regardless I was self-determining at age 13; with the clear blessing of my family.
This picture is of me when I was 17 years old. I had been on my own and on the streets for 4 years. I new something about life back then. More than any child should ever know. This is while the HOUSTON slept snug in their beds in upper Victoria Canada. In fact all my family where living very well indeed. Of course, except me. Don’t you dare hold me responsible for that. I have been all my life blamed. I want that to stop now.
I am at a place in my life where I feel I have nothing left to lose.
I know that there are people out there that are saying, “stop whining and playing the victim”. Well, I am going whine and play the victim because I have been.
I was the victim of abuse, molestation, the use of a child for the purposes of gaining satisfaction of others, I have been lied about, used and shit on. So excuse me but I have been a victim. The HOUSTON CLAN used me to meet their greedy ends. They didn’t mind humiliating and degrading me so why should I mind SPEAKING UP. You can call it whatever you want.
I have so let go of pretending to protect others. I have done that for decades. I will NOT do that anymore. You abuse me I will SPEAK UP>
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