They had me pegged, my family and the HOUSTON CLAN before even getting to know me to justify what they intended to do so they didn’t have to look at themselves.
I have talked about them. But, now I will talk about me.
I never found a home and never found comfort in an identity that was not molded by perpetrators, the ones that did me harm and the ones that turned their backs on the “lost and forgotten child”. I have flipped through my life like the pages in a book, trying to make sense of it. To uncover the secrets that have gone buried in shame and hidden even from myself for so long. Asking myself over and over what does this all mean.
I know how my story ends but the question for me has been “how did it happen; how did I get here?” For so long I got immersed in the jumble of words like “Louise, what is the matter with you. don’t play victim, get on with it, leave the past behind you, you are too sensitive.”
What kind of story is mine – a lost and forgotten child, the one that everyone told me I was – lazy, stupid, a problem. Am I just a pathetic character who is just a victim to my own stupidity? Or is there something else going on here. I have flipped back and forth through time looking for the clues to why my journey took me down a certain path and shattered me into little pieces. A path of loneliness, loss, poverty and victimization. Oh, I know my pictures of me tell you a different story. But what you don’t see is the pain just beneath the surface. The part of me that hides and only shows it’s face when I can give you what you want to see, or the face I need you to see. The perfect picture, the one that I got so good at looking “right”. I hid the broken and sick me. You don’t want to see the pain that left me with scars from abuse, molestation, poverty and isolation. I fear now it’s too late for me, my life is over. There is no time left to repair the damage done.
No one asked me, “Louise what do you want to be when you grow-up”, no one directed me to become the best I could be. I never got my balance and only focused on my flaws which of course had me spinning in circles. The fire that barely flickered over the years is now dimming. I am who I am, for better or worse. It’s too late to wonder about the person I will become. I have told the world about who I am, but it doesn’t matter any more because everyone had already made up their minds. Their agenda was to discredit me, shut me up and close me down. GASLIGHTING was what it was. Protecting the agenda of those who needed to keep their squeaky-clean reputations, of being the do-gooders, the stellar members of society, the perpetrators/abusers behind the masks. They don’t want you speaking their dirty little secrets. You see the people who have hurt me know I saw through them, I know who they are. I have had too much experience with the likes of them to not see behind their masks and it scared them.
I became someone I didn’t know either to keep others happy and safe and when I couldn’t pretend I hid. Now and then I said, “Enough is Enough”, hence this blog because there is just so much a person can take. I would rock the boat from time to time and then slither back into silence which just fed into their ignorance of who I am, it gave them fuel to say, “look I told you so, she is an evil one”. They them scrambled to make sure no one believed me. Of course they had a platform, a voice to be heard and I did not. They won. I can’t. I’m done.
I have read so many peoples blogs over the last couple of years and know there are so many people like me. People who got used and abused and had no voice. The internet came along and gave us one. But oh there are so many mean ones out there too who would like to shut us down. Don’t show us who we are, don’t let the world see how mean we can be. We will take you, abuse you and shut you up and knock you down. Be quiet Louise, and all the Louise’s out there.
But, we wont. We write our blogs for us. We need a voice, we need to have our words heard and the rest of you can shut up or don’t read.
It’s too late for me. But I say to all the VICTIMS of the mean and abusive people keep talking.