When the blow takes you down

What do you do when you are knocked to the ground. When you are hit so hard that all you want is to die.

Being separated from my mother for so long, then overcoming and re-bonding with her, has been the gift of a lifetime. It took so much to get there.

Then to be knocked to the ground by a group of people who were somehow threatened by that. Apparently, I battered the beehive. Plans were afoot long before I arrived back on the scene and now they lashed out with a vengeance.

The consequence to their actions led to my mother killing herself. I watched her take about 2 weeks to die. She shriveled up to nothing as she starved herself to death, with no underlying disease. This poor woman felt so much pain and so much guilt that she could not go on. I was helpless to do anything but make things as comfortable for her as possible. I told her 20 times a day how much I loved her and as long as she could talk she said she loved me back.

It has been 4 years now and it feels like yesterday and I can’t move on. Her son wasn’t there for her and neither were her step-children. The people who took so much from her and left her when she was no longer useful. She provided a very good life-style for her husband who did not have the money to take care of her adequately. According to his 4 children he wanted, after his death, to deprive his wife of over 34 years (my mother) of her spousal rights in favor of his rich privileged well-educated (because of the help of my mother) children. He told everyone she was the love of his life and he loved her so much, everyone know that. I don’t believe that he would do such a thing. And there is no evidence that he did. But their word/money/power is sacrosanct and when you are a doctor, a cop, a nurse and a contractor all wanting her money you can get it. They knew that. If it had not been for her it would have cost them to take care of their father. They took from her and then broken her heart.

The trauma I have experienced so many many times in my life had come to a good place until I was hit once again with trauma and the abusive behavior of people who where not interested in knowing the truth, just money. But this time it was the blow that has taken me to my knees and I can’t get up.

I have written this blog to keep me alive, and that it has. But there seems no way out for me. Sometimes in life we receive a death blow that takes you down to which there is no recovery.