For so long I have been stuck in feeling shamed and embarrassed I didn’t get an education (only grade 8 which means I didn’t go to high school) because I didn’t know that I had what we now call dyslexia. I think the dyslexia came about as a result of sexual and mental abuse. I was accused of being lazy, stupid……when in fact I survived stuff most people would not. How stupid does that make me?
I was thinking recently, after this long and difficult journey of self-discovery, that at this time of my life (middle age + ) that in fact I should feel proud of myself.
I lived on the streets but I was not a drug addict. And that is not a judgement of those who are. I was hurt and abused but I did not become an abuser. Other than the usual stumbles one goes through in life as a result of just being human I have remained a good and decent person. I don’t like gossip perhaps because I have been at the receiving end of so much and I look for the good in people. I pick my fights and am tolerant of peoples foibles and eccentricities. I don’t look for trouble and my natural desire is to be kind and helpful.
I have survived this life by fighting back when I had to. It’s funny how that has been perceived by my family and extended family as being a fault, something that I should feel ashamed of because that makes me a bad person. But then when you have lived with everything how can you understand someone who has not. I lived through what so many have not, why because I am a strong person. I was fortunate to have strong and healthy body. I am grounded in my values and have a great sense of right and wrong. I will fight to protect those who cannot protect and defend themselves, not just for me.
I will give someone, who is worse off than me, my last morsel of food. But, I am not foolish and do not squander my resources. I feel grounded in common sense and look for proof of what I thinking and expect my heart to let me know what is in my best interest and those around me. I don’t see myself as being an island unto myself although I am a loner.
That has been my blessing and my curse. My desire, wiliness and drive is to retreat and disappear when I need to refuel. I have been seriously criticized for that and accused of all kinds of terrible things because I determined a long time ago I could not depend on or trust those who were expected to protect me.The little mind of my family and the HOUSTON CLAN has germinated a vision and narrative of me that does not exist – except in there shallow little minds.
There is no doubt that I often teeter on fragility as times. I also have harbored some anger. But I have worked on it. I have worked on myself. I have followed a spiritual path without being drowned in it. I do not affiliate with any group, religion or belief system but at the same time I follow them all in some way. I respect others to think whatever is right for them and do not have a strong need for people to agree with me or not agree with me.
So many times over the last few years with my mother she was shocked at realizing I was not the person she has manufactured in her mind to protect herself. In fact that’s part of the reason she killed herself. She had a huge sense of shame at what she had created in her mind about me, with the help and manipulation of the HOUSTON CLAN.I feel very angry with the HOUSTON CLAN because these people know better. That’s what makes this situation so sick. Is these people should know better. I am proud that I am not like them. I am proud that when I was given the responsibility to take care of my mother – I DID! I fulfilled my duties as her daughter with honour and integrity. I can take that to my grave.