I show this picture of me from time to time. I actually don’t have many childhood pictures. Nevertheless this is a good one for me to remember. To remember that day after being assaulted by my father. I wet my pants and was crying, but my father insisted on taking my picture and yelled at me to “smile”. I then went back to boarding school after he dropped me off from vacation. I walked into school with wet stinky pants. Little did I know then that it wouldn’t be very long before I was living on the other side of the world. To then leave the family house to live on the streets of Toronto. I was 13 years old. I was alone, scared and very very vulnerable. I grew up very fast. When you are young and strong, when you have to, when people want you because now you are a beautiful child/woman. When you are smart beyond your years (but terrible in school, now know I was dyslexic) When you have your fathers charm and fast wit you get by. But as the years role by and you and dying inside life starts to take on a different perspective. You know something is wrong with you. You know somehow that you are not supposed to feel this bad inside, like a rotting carcass of a woman. But when you try to seek out help, what I realize now, was a medical system that was clueless and ended up making me worse. It’s like being operating on the wrong foot, So it gets further reinforced in your brain that you are defective, crazy and irredeemable. I kinda new I wasn’t but with the help of those who were supposed to love me I got banished into a life of confusion and further despair.
LEARNING TO MOVE ON THE BEST YOU CAN
In some ways I turned into my father. attractive, charming, well-spoken with very little formal education but smart (and street smart) but there was a difference. I could not be like him – I had empathy, compassion and sensitivity – god damn these feelings they just messed me up more. Feeling was not what I wanted……more and more feelings. Why did I have to feel. Feeling in this world is an impediment.
So what do you do. You learn to have your feelings, but you have to learn to control them. I know from experience you can’t control them if you do not understand them in the first place. Only on understanding can you control them if you will, but more importantly live with them. It helps to accept they will not go away. These bad feelings live inside you and have for a long time. Give your bad feelings a healthy outlet – creativity of some sort is a good idea. I have this page and my blog. Accept the fact that this pain is part of you and has molded you for good or bad (you must take some responsibility for that) Sometimes having this pain inside me helps me and makes me a better person. I am a very grateful person because of what I had to go through. I have learnt forgiveness. If you don’t you will suffer even
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