Never in my whole life have I felt like life was not a struggle and that I lived fully and wholly. I have wanted to die so many times I can’t remember. I have wondered why I was so alone and why my family didn’t love me and want me.What have I done that was so bad, so egregious and so shameful that they didn’t want me around, didn’t want to speak with me and share my life.
One day while meeting with the HOUSTON CLAN, Lorene Houston said to me, “….we don’t know if we can forgive you….”. I was speechless. Forgive me? I couldn’t then and I can’t now imagine what they needed to forgive me for.
As a little girl I wanted only to please my parents and my big brother. It’s only now in retrospect and after a great deal of introspection over my life have I come to understand. My mother was abused by my father. My father was an arrogant, self absorbed and cruel man, along with being charming and bombastic. He put my mother through a roller coaster of I love you I hate you I love you I hate you. My brother molested me and never ever seemed to have any compassion or tenderness in him for me or my mother.
I have learnt that those who abuse – blame. People who don’t want to take responsibility for their conduct blame the person they have abused. If we make her look crazy and stupid no one will see who we really are and what we have done.
Angela and Louise
My mother always leaned on me as a child. I was the mother and she was the child. She told me about my father and my brother and how it made her feel to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was a sensitive and loving child and for so long being the mother figure wore me out and confused me. I didn’t know who I was and how to function in the world. I was the mother, I was the child but I new about stuff that no child should know. No little girl should be protecting her mother from her father. No little girl should see and hear the pain of her mother due to a son she was not able to bond with. A little boy that never responded to her. She wanted to love him but he wouldn’t let her and her heart ached over this all her life. She had no room for her daughter.
One day I was so much in distress that I packed a bag and went to the door (I was 13) when my mother said to me where are you going, “I said I don’t know.” she said nothing, then she said, “you know if you leave you can never come back”. I didn’t put a question mark because it wasn’t a question – it was a statement. She never looked for me and as far as I know she never ever tried to find out where I was.
Dr. George (Bob)Houston
My mother went on with her life as if she hadn’t had one before, except one thing.
Eventually she met Dr. Bob and they married. I turned up from time to time but it hurt too much. I was back to being “mother” every time. Every time she cried about the one thing she always talked about was Tony (her son). She never asked or wanted to hear about what I went through, how I was managing, nothing. Eventually I didn’t come back anymore.
She had Bob. A wonderful man and seemed to everyone (including the HOUSTON CLAN) to be the perfect marriage.
Dr. Bob adored my mother, everyone new that (including the HOUSTON CLAN). I felt I was just getting in the way. She had the HOUSTON CLAN Bob’s perfect children. They were everything I was not apparently. They controlled her more and more over the years until she was too old to do anything about it.
The HOUSTON CLAN
Dr. James (Bob’s first born) was, according to him and his siblings) the head of the family. In my opinion and theirs (as told to me by Inspector Clarke Russell member of the HOUSTON CLAN) they all did what Dr. James told them to do.
It became clear to me that she was being controlled but then again it didn’t seem to affect her that much since she had Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob was a sweet, compliant, polite gentleman who loved her. What more did she need. When I tried to reconcile with her once it was clear I just didn’t fit in and she seemed happy enough to not have me in it.
So I stayed away.
I found out through the grape vine and later via the HOUSTON CLAN that my mother seemed to know a lot about me. Now to be clear not the real me mind you. The one she made up. The one to appear her conscience. The me that gave her the attention she so craved from the HOUSTON CLAN.
My mother died on February 5, 2013, she starved herself to death. Five days before her death, and the last time she spoke, she said to me, “darling I am so very sorry, it’s all my fault’, “what the HOUSTON CLAN have done to you is all my fault”.